A Double Life

Not many of the people I see most often know I live a double life. I'm talking mainly about the people I work with, but there are others. I see some of them every week, everyday and some are as close as family and yet they don't know my other side. Now, I am not talking about my fascination with collecting Hot Wheels (not really), or my propensity to read everything Dr. Seuss wrote in Spanish (not true either) or my passion for fresh rhubarb pie (who would make a dessert out of a vegetable anyway! "who wants some cauliflower cheesecake?"). But I am talking my calling to serve Christ.

Most don't know I used to be a pastor. Yes, they know I am Christian, but not a pastor...

None of them know this blog exists or if they do, I am unaware of it.

Most don't know about my education. I really do try to keep talk like that out of most conversations...

Most don't know I want to and am actively working on returning to being a pastor/teacher...

No one knows I like to write about the messy side of faith as seen through the weird lenses of my own mind...

...and I really have to ask myself why this is?

I guess they don't know because, ultimately, I don't let them. If I don't tell them, there is a lot less explaining I have to do. I think in this explanation there is a denial of reality. If I don't explain my life circumstances to people then maybe I can go one thinking certain things didn't really happen, they were not as hurtful as they were or I own less of that part of my life then I actually do.

Part of it is self preservation. I need a job and money to pay bill, put shoes on feet and food on the table. If my boss knew I was out looking for a path back into vocational ministry, maybe,though really doubtful, he might let me go.

No matter what the answer is, one thing is clear. The less I disclose to people, the less I am me. The more I share with others, the more I can be who I am and who God created me to be.