So, I have begun to identify a “voice” in my head. Lately, I have been discovering new ones (my "Bullshit Meter", my "Writers Voice" and others) this is just the latest one.
Don’t worry I am not hearing voices telling me to eat crayons, mold tinfoil to my head or run around my front yard naked (as fun as those things may be). As a matter of fact (as if voices in your head are factual), it’s not telling to do anything. Just the opposite is true, it is telling me what not to do.
This voice is not soft and melodious or suave and does not come with a intriguing Scottish brogue. It is more like the sound of a Gremlins feed after midnight, a snail under a salt shower or a vampire too close to garlic. It is unmistakable.
I experienced this voice the other day again.
I have known about some friends in crisis for a short time and was recently updated on how things were regressing. Upon hearing the news I thought to myself, “I need to call them. No, I need to go see them.” It was at that moment the voice started wailing like a banshee,
“You don’t have time.”
“They live too far away.”
“Don’t leave you family tonight.”
“Who are you to offer them hope” it said.
Listening to this voice, I found myself stalling, getting distracted and trying to find a reason or way out of doing what I knew should to do. It was not as if I had a good idea that should be followed through on if convenient. The idea was not mine at all. The impulse to connect with my friends was, I believe, God’s Spirit speaking in his still small voice. My voice, was just crying out against what was right, just and faithful.
Discerning the two sides of the dialogue in my head, one screaming and the other whispering, I called my friend. We spent a couple hours listening, talking and caring for each other.
It is often this way, with this voice. It speaks falsehoods to me. It is my "father of lies."
Truth be told, there were few places I would rather have been then with my friend that night. Our time was good, sacred and right. God's mummer to me was for my benefit was much as my friend's. His voice does not lie, disappoint or confuse. It is correct, clean and refreshing, if listened to.
This latest voice I have labeled my “Pastoral Voice.” More accurately it should be called my “Anti-Pastoral Voice,” because it shrieks when I have opportunity to follow the leading of God the Spirit.
This voice is not new. I have heard it before. I have listened to it and been disappointed with myself. I fought against it and been used by God for his glory.
The challenge in the future will be to harness this voice and instinctively know what needs to be done in spite of it.
I am just thankful God still speaks.
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