Dependency

I am pretty pissed at God right now. The reason and rational are the subject matter for another time. What I find interesting is that even though I am mad at God, I still find myself bumping up against him consistently. It is like being mad at a person you live with, when you both live in a 900 sq.ft. apartment.

The other morning at the peak of my anger, I still got up to read and pray before going to work. An odd thing to do for someone holding a grudge against God. But you see I am excited to continue my reading of Jeremiah the prophet.

Likewise, I found that through the day I was finding reasons to pray for people and myself. This required that I come face to face with the person I am angry with. For instance, last night I was preaching at the Portland Rescue Mission. Preaching for me is not a carefree endeavor. I am always nervous and humbled when being the mouthpiece of God while interpreting his Word. So, I normally pray a lot before preaching. But I found myself starting to pray and then saying, “Aghhh, I am mad at you, I don’t want to talk to you. But I need you.”

Today, I thought of Dustin who leads Evergreen's second site at the Hawthorne Lucky Lab. Tomorrow is the opening Sunday for this gathering and Dustin is preaching its first sermon. Yet again, as I prayed, I am angry with God.

No matter what I do, even as I write this, I am dependent on God.

I think these "run ins" with God will be good, even though they are hard to digest. They force to me deal with my anger and understand that the God I am upset with is the same God who is giving me the power/energy/ability to be ticked off at him in the first place. It seems that these "reminders" are God's way of proving that although I may want to emotionally disconnect from him, he is not willing to do the same.