It has been a battle to not wipe it off, like I did last year. Its like having a booger hang out your nose (and you know it) or toilet paper stuck to your shoe (and you know it) or you leaving the tag on your new shirt. I have fixated on this mark for most of the day. I have battled keeping it on. I have wanted to blend in and be unnoticed. Honestly, I am uncomfortable calling attention to myself. I tried to find reasons to get rid of the ash. I avoided my own reflection in mirrors and windows. When I was conscience of it, I would try to hide my ash by looking down when I walked.Nothing seemed to relieve the tension.
Today, I have been in two coffee shops and the lobby of a hotel meeting with people. Even though no one has pointed out the smudge or even asked about it, I have gotten some strange looks.
If I feel like I have a glowing neon zit in the center of my forehead, why haven't I wiped it off? Here is some of my thinking:
- I don't want to hide what I believe is true, so I am keeping the ash.
- I don't want to wuss out, so I am keeping the ash.
- Last year when I saw someone else wearing ashes I admired their commitment, so I am keeping the ash.
- I think there is something good, healthy and spiritually redemptive about being uncomfortable in and with my faith, so I am keeping the ash.
- I enjoy participating in my faith in unfamiliar ways, so I am keeping the ash.
- It has been a constant reminder (more of a annoyance) about repentance, forgiveness and sacrifice, so I am keeping the ash.
- It is good to physically embody my faith, so I am keeping the ash.
- I want to make a statement about my faith, so I am keeping the ash.
- I think, right or wrong, this is an exercise in discipline, so I am keeping the ash.
- This serves as a reminder that my faith should not always remain comfortable or easy, so I am keeping the ash.
3 comments:
I definitely had more of a struggle putting on the ashes this year with knowing that I'd keep them on. There was an aspect of me that was prideful and yet at the same time didn't want to stand out.
However, I definitely have had the oppurtunity to talk about my faith more today because of the ashes than I ever have before.
I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing
Nicely said.
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