Sick of Myself

So, there I was, sitting in a bakery having breakfast with a friend when he looked across the tables and noticed someone familiar. They both exchanged polite smiles and the almost obligatory, "hey how's it going?...good, thanks!"

Only a few seconds latter something hit my friend. He looked at me and said, "excuse me, I'll be right back." He made his way to the table of his old friend and her little boy. I couldn't hear their whole conversation, but it included phrases like, "yeah after 12 months he kicked me out" and "living with my parents" and "no, but I looking for a job."

A few minutes later my friends comes back to our table and asks, "hey, do you have any money?" I knew what this meant. He wanted to give this old friend a couple bucks to help her out. I had heard her mention something about wanting to take her boy to The Dollar Store.

My first reaction was to say, "No, I am broke," which would have been a lie, since I knew I had a twenty, a five and three ones in my wallet. So as I replied, "yeah," I reached for my wallet. I specifically held it at an angle so my friend could not see how much money I actually had. This would allow me to chose whatever bill denomination I wanted without feeling pressured. I could have gone with the twenty or a single. I went with the five because it was easiest. One bill, one motion and with the five I wouldn't look as cheap as I felt.

Even as I think back on the situation I still can't believe how I intentionally shielded my cash from my friend's line of sight. I didn't want to feel pressured to give him any of my money, much less my twenty bucks. Man it makes me sick to think of what I did.

A few days later I heard a cliche that rings true, "freely give, because you have freely received." I know this has deep theological truth to it. Jesus freely gave his life for mine. Boy, did he get ripped off! Salvation is free to all. But, as I have been dwelling on this though, I see it has very practical applications too.

I have received a huge amount of life for free. It has cost me knowing. Here is a list of some of things I have been given for free or had nothing to do with in my life:

1. My parents. I am adopted and they chose me. I am sure I have had a better life with these people as my parents than my bio-family would have been able give me.
2. My health. I think I won some genetic lottery since I was not born mis-formed, with a crazy disease or lacking proper nutrition. I haven't had my life altered by some freak accident. Yes, I have been hurt, but not to the point that my life has been greatly changed. I don't even have allergies. (I am going bold now that I think of it, maybe I should rethink this one.)
   
3. My education. I have been blessed with enough brains to make it through school, (again and again and again and again) not to mention even having the opportunity to go to school.
4. My family. I have a beautiful wife and healthy kids. Yes, I had a hand in making the kids, but not in how they turned out. As for my wife, she just loves me!
   
5. My freedom. I was born and live in a country that values personal freedom.
6. My lifestyle. Even though I get a paycheck, for which I work very hard, if it were not for #1-5 above I would not have a good job.
7. My salvation. Thank you God!

So, why is it I hold onto things that aren't even mine?
Can't I see I am blessed and favored by God?
Shouldn't I give since so much has been given to me?
Why do I think this "stuff" is mine?
Why is it that I didn't reach deeply into my wallet and give without regret?
(Especially, since my friend bought my breakfast that morning at the bakery!)
Why am I afraid to trust God to meet my needs, when he already has proven himself faith? (reread #1-7 again!)

Pray for me!